Impulse by Jade Kelly

      Everyone has their own perception on practically everything.. religion, evolution, themselves, others, philosophies and many more categories of the basics of the world .  The same way that we have our own perceptions , we have our own quirks and ways of doing things. For me, everything is about being in the moment. When you are too stuck making decisions you lose out on the experience. I never want to lose out on any experience that I can have . This mind set, like any event in life, has brought good and an equal amount of bad. Thats also my way of justifying my actions, every good action will have its own equilizer for the bad times... no matter how rough or how great everything seems, it is all temporary. 

                I have gotten in a lot of trouble in the past for my ways, but as all events, even when everyone tells us that were wrong, we have to experience it on our own, and make our own mistakes to truly appreciate the lesson. I think the best and worst event that i have ever gotten my self into were the ones where i had the most to lose. I purposely try to not give my mind too much time to think, so that my body can do the dumb spontaneuos things that teenagers love to do. This was the perfect excuse for my craziest, stupidest experience. 

              I  was in class, listening to the long and dragged out explanation about my math teachers explanation for logarithms.Once i was officially bored out of my mind,  i went to reach for my phone. After about ten seconds of being bored with the exact same photos, games and facebook statuses.. i went to pick up my friends phone. She has like atleast 10 more apps than me and within a minute of holding her phone i felt like 10 buzzes.I mumbled jelously "Damn, someones popular". 

She giggled ,"They're not even messages. Those are my connections."

"Your connections?" I wondered.

              Then she grabbed the phone and introduced me to the Hot or Not app. I'm sure by now everyone has made fun of it or tried to make a profile. It's actually pretty lame, but that's what made me like it so much. You rate a bunch of random people in your area, either hot or not and it's anonomous... depending on the situation. If someone that you rated "Hot" rates you "Hot" back, then you guys become connected; if you rated someone "Hot" and they rate you "Not", you probably will never know because you guys wont get connected. The real fun starts with the connections and when you are no longer anonomous , you are given the chance to talk to them.  I had my eyes glued to the phone the entire period.

              I went home after school, and I had completely forgotten about it, and went back on my lame facebook when all of a sudden i seen an advertisement for... guess what... yes. The "Hot or Not" app was displayed right on my wall, and it said download for your smart phone, so I was like "you know what. why not?" 

           So I spent all night and the whole next day just non stop rating people. It turned into a small addiction. I seen a lot of cuties, but also a big hand full of some crazy looking people which I would screen shot and laugh at with my friends. I know it was super mean but if you seen the profiles, it was hilarious. 

           I remember this one boy in particular I came across... He was one of those boys that are ugly but something about  him was so... attractive? My intentions when going on this was not even to meet cute boys, because I do have a boyfriend and i made that clear to who ever I was connected with. My instinct was to just put "Not" for everyone who did not immediately catch my attention but for some ODD reason, he looked like a really cool person to talk to. I really just wanted to talk to random people, I had a lot of girls that I rated too. But apparently he had already rated me because I went with my gut and clicked "Hot" and a little message popped up on my screen."Congradulations you are now connected ."

          He had four pictures of himself on his profile. He was kind of pale, he had soft dark hair , his eyes were a shade of hazel, he had big lips and a very small gap in his teeth that I really liked. 

            I started the conversation like any other conversation i had with these random connections. Very boringly I just wrote "Hey."

           It was just a pass time, talking to him. To be honest I was talking to so many connections that I just had a whole bunch of random conversations all day. I eventually made two really nice people that I slowly found myself talking to all day. The closer I got to them, the more I hated everyone else I connected to. These other strangers really had some nerve, howling "hey babe".

         I always replied "Um, no. Goodbye."  It took me less than a week to delete the app. I felt really bad just flat leaving my "friends", so I gave them both my kik that I created (one second before I deleted my app). 

            "Hey I'm really sorry but I need to delete this right now because I really can't deal with these people anymore. Here's my kik, if you still want to talk."

But wait. What if my message doesnt send because I deleted my account? Just then I got a message on my kik... "Hey, sorry about what happened with all those other guys, I know that could be really annoying."

            We talked for the rest of the day. He told me about his comic book collection, and his huge obsession with his games. I talked about my art work and my love for the universe. I've never had such an in depth conversation about my love for spirits, and he actually responded with paragraphs that were just as long as mines.

              As much as I talked about myself, I wanted to know more about his comics,his games, his love for wrestling, and his dream to become a doctor.  We talked about his room a lot, and trust me if you seen the pictures, you would know why. It was covered in action figures, and boxes and boxes of games and posters of every super hero you can imagine. His description alone made me have to see it for myself, but you cant send pictures of kik... so i gave him my phone number. After seeing his pictures, I knew what it was about him that made him so interesting. He was the biggest nerd I had ever met. He was the perfect mixture of dorky and funny. I really could not handle how much i liked him as a person, we got so close in such a little time. 

            That same day I deleted my kik, leaving my other friend behind and constantly speaking to only to this boy. For a good amount of time I didnt realize that I was so unfamiliar with the face that matched the responses I was getting. It actually turns out i had no idea who I was even talking to, all iIremembered was his name, but I didnt know which face or profile it went to , since i deleted my app. I asked him for a picture and that same face that I was uncertain about when we first started talking, popped up in my messages. So this is him. Its him that I have been talking too. I was actually shocked. He looked really good. I found myself wondering a lot about him. How tall was he (6ft 2), and what did his voice sound like. I broke the ice. I called him, un announced and un planned. 

         I was completely shocked when he answered the phone. His voice was so deep. we talked for a long time and eventually  factimed after, doing our own tasks together. It was really nice to have an actual guy friend because it always turned into someone liking the other person and after that i just want it to end. It was all going really well too... until he wanted to see me in person. This has happended to me before. I go to meet a friend and accidentally end up on a date that I had not planned, nor wanted to be on. I was really hesitant on meeting him but I eventually said ok.. but it's NOT a date . He reassured me. "Yes, Jade, for the 500th time." 

           Here I was. In the big city of manhattan, looking for this boy in Toys R Us which I had never met before, super scary. But let me tell you... it was so worth it. In one day we went to comic book stores, we went to candy land and took all the twislers and chocolates and gummies that we could; I showed him my favorite story book as a child while we were exploring barnes and nobels, and he even sang and payed for my food at chipotle. We finally decided to stop by  the train by central park before we both took our seperate ways.. me to brooklyn and him to queens. 

           It rained and there was ice on the floor, but we both just sat there in the park on the bench talking about so many things and sharing all our deepest ideas. He took my hands and i immediately looked at him in shock.

He sighed. "Jade, I know this is crazy, and its only been a day, but i truly love you more than anyone . Even the girls i told you about that i dated for years".

There it was. It happened. 

           I thought back to my boyfriend. This has happened before and I made a terrible mistake. I remember him saying "Jade you better think long and hard about this relationship because i cant do it anymore, dealing with you leaving me and us getting back again." 

           That was two years ago. We've been together for four years at this point. I didn't even need to think about him because he was always in the back of my mind. Four years, all those great memories, in exchange for someone who I just met? Someone who I had no intention of liking?

       His hazel eyes looked so bright and promising and I know that he truly believed that he could give me everything and that we were meant to meet because we are the ones for each other. Believe me,I felt it too. I've never had someone listen to me an understand me the way that he has. It took less than a minute to know what i have to do. I stood up, and he got up right after, and at that moment I had everything planned. I could almost see into the future of possibilities and I knew that if I gave this boy a chance, it would be amazing.

"You knew it was wrong but you came here anyways" he  glared at me with hope and promise. 

"I know."

He grabbed both my shoulders in his hands "An infinite things could have happened, but for some reason, our paths crossed and you're here right now. Not with your boyfriend. you're here with me. You are my roller coaster. The risk you take, the hesitation and nervous gut feeling you have before going on. But in the end you're happy you went on, because you enjoyed the ride."

Damn.He's good. He hit me right in the soul, and made me question everything I was so sure about just a minute ago. I did something I never did before. I stood there silent. I didn't act on impulse. I didn't grab his face and kiss him and start an adventurous and crazy teenage ride. I looked at him for a long time. I didn't even hug him.. and just like that it was over. 

 I ran away. 

        I left him alone in the park and ran as fast as I could to the train headed towards bay ridge, back to my house, back to my normal life, and back to my boyfriend whos been there with me through everything, who took me back after I made a terrible mistake of leaving something amazing in search for what? I gave up a lot that day, and I'm proud that I did.

        I deleted and blocked his number from my phone. Any messages and calls that he set for me don't exist . They immediately get discarded and deleted by T-Mobile. It was sad. I felt like a horrible person. I knew enough about him to know that he wrote a lot, and i knew i had over 10 messages that never came through. I think about him sometimes  and the things that he said and about how important he believed i was, and i put myself in his shoes. What if i was abandoned like that? 

     I feel like this experience has really opened my eyes to how important it is to think about your actions before you do it. I never want to hurt anyone because of my selfish decisions, and especially someone who has not only given me another chance, but has given me four years of their life. I didn't tell him about the friendship in the first place, and that alone tells you that if you cant say it , you know its wrong. I almost messed up my last chance, and thats something i told myself that im never doing. If things happen and we dont end up together, its okay... but its not going to be my fault again.